Kandaangst
by taoueriT
Summary: Kanda really just wants some time to angst in peace. But it doesn't look like anyone's willing to give him the chance.


KANDAANGST

* * *

Summary: Kanda really just wants some time to angst in peace. But it doesn't look like anyone's willing to give him the chance.

Kanda: You are ruining my character.  
EmoKanda: Shut up you dont no what im going thru!  
Kanda: ...  
Kanda: I do _not_ talk like that.  
Kanda: (unsheathes Mugen)  
EmoKanda: AHHH! The pain!! It feels... so... goooood...

* * *

**WARNING:** Dark imagery, cutting, suicidal thoughts, masochism, Kandaangst, OOC-ness and plain stupidity abound.

"Noo," moaned Kanda, who was currently brooding on the edge of his bed. "Lenalee's gone on another mission, Lavi's insanely annoying and whenever I mention anything to do with the Noah, Allen just won't shut up!"

He eyed Mugen, which was suddenly gleaming in a pool of moonlight on its stand, despite the fact that it was in the middle of the day, and besides, Kanda's window faced the east so that he could look towards Japan when he was brooding. Which was currently, well, right now. "I just want to end it all!" he screamed in agony, dark strands of his hair falling into his face.

In a sudden frenzy which could have been mistaken for ADHD, Kanda jumped up and snatched his sword off the stand, staring at the edge of the blade while quickly becoming entranced by its sharpness and pointy tip. Tracing the shape of the sword with his finger, Kanda gasped in surprise as he felt the blade nick his skin, drawing a single drop of blood. "It's so... _red,_" he murmured, going slightly cross-eyed as he brought the finger closer to his face to study the red liquid, before lapping it up with his tongue.

"Mmm, tastes like copper..."

Suddenly, Kanda felt the urge to cut himself more, deeper and deeper, until there was nothing left but his soul, bared to the world... Well, that, and skin and flesh, and bone and blood, he supposed- yeah, there'd be a lot of blood... _'I wonder what soba would taste like with blood poured over it instead of shoyu,'_ he mused. Vaguely disturbing images of fat noodles soaked in a red sauce came to mind. (_'So _that's _what spaghetti's made of!'_)

* * *

**30 Seconds Later:**

Kanda, who had an extremely short attention span whenever he felt like having an extremely short attention span, stared at himself in the mirror, all his bloody soba thoughts forgotten. His reflection stared back at him unblinkingly, seeing as Kanda wasn't blinking and that's generally what reflections do. But that's not important. Let's get on with the story. Or-lack-thereof.

Kanda felt for the black hairband that tied his hair together and pulled it out of his hair. His blue-black hair shone dully as it slipped out of the confines of the band, coming to fall in thick waves to frame his face. Kanda sighed. Oh, how he wished that he didn't have to deal every day with the hassle of brushing his hair and untangling the knots and making a perfect ponytail! Oh, how he wished that he didn't have such androgynous looks, and that he didn't have to compensate by being portrayed as the cruel, cold-hearted character of the anime! Honestly, sometimes it sucked.

Fingering his locks of dark hair, Kanda contemplated ending it all now. It would be fast, and quick, and painless- or, as painless as something such as this could be. He wondered idly if Lenalee would be disappointed in him, if Allen would cry over the loss, if Lavi would simply record it in his journals and brush him off as if nothing had ever happened.

Kanda wondered, but his resolve was set as he picked up Mugen and asked himself how he had become so weak.

And then Lavi burst into the room, grinning. "Hey, Yuu, Allen was wondering if you were up to a game of poker..." The words died in Lavi's throat, his green eye widening as he took in the scene before him.

Was Kanda trying to... cut his hair? Oh, gods, no.

So Lavi whipped off his headband and his grin and went into Serious Mode.

Lavi's eyes were shadowed by his dark red hair, but his voice was low and shook softly. "Yuu," he whispered, drawing nearer to the other boy. "I can help you..." He spoke softly, but his breath tickled Kanda's ear, causing him to shiver violently. Softly, softly, Lavi drew back the black curtain of hair that hid Kanda's face, silky strands slipping through his fingers. Lavi's other hand reached for Kanda's face, tentatively stroking his cheek. Yuu's skin was so soft, and smooth as new paper, Lavi realized, but his eyes were as sharp and dark as obsidian. As soon as Kanda felt Lavi's scrutinizing gaze burning into him, he pulled away, standing up and hastily moving closer to the door.

"Awww, Yuu," whined Lavi, pouting at Kanda, who was now quickly tying his hair back into its usual severe ponytail and placing his sword back onto the stand as if nothing had happened. (Lavi wasn't fooled.) "But I know all the tricks of the trade!"

Kanda flushed, crossing the room to pick up Mugen. "I don't need your help," he growled darkly, sending Lavi a glare as he sheathed his sword. _"I don't need anyone's help,"_ he muttered to himself, tears pricking in the back of his eyes like tiny minions that were plotting in wee lilliputian voices to overthrow their master.

Or something.

Lavi tsked and casually leaned back on Kanda's bed, surveying Kanda out of the corner of his eye. "You've really been acting emo lately, Yuu, is something up?"

Kanda huffed and turned his back on Lavi, trying to not let the hurt show in his eyes. "Not anything that you would understand, baka usagi." Lavi was always so happy and cheerful all the time, how ever could he ever truly comprehend the deep and dangerous currents of Kanda's mind? But he didn't really want to say that all out loud, because he had a strange suspicion that the idiot would start to get all mysterious and angsty too, and he didn't feel like giving up his title of Angst King just yet. Or at least, not _now_, of all times: one of these precious moments when Allen wasn't filling up fanfic space with his sad, sweet, fake smiles and proclaiming nobly to the world, "Don't worry about meee- boo hoo hoo hoo" and/or Lenalee wasn't getting the spotlight with her tragic past and good hair. Kanda had good hair too, dammit!

But luckily, Kanda had somehow managed to avoid Lavi angst. Unfortunately, as a result, Lavi was getting on his nerves. "It's okay if you're afraid, you know," reassured Lavi, who got up to give Kanda a friendly pat on the back. "I'm a bookman-in-training, so of course I'd know more about these things than you would. I'm more experienced." He leered at Kanda suggestively. Or at least that's what Kanda thought.

Kanda grunted. He didn't want to hear about experience from _Lavi_, of all people.

"You know, I know I read somewhere that a little lotion can do wonders," Lavi remarked. "I wonder where I read that little tip..."

Kanda grimaced. He _really_ didn't want to know.

"I heard that you apply it from base to tip, and rub in small circles," Lavi said, grinning at Kanda cheerily. "Guess we'll have to try it out soon, eh?"

Kanda slowly inched towards his sword, laying serenely on its stand.

"Oh!" Lavi snapped his fingers. "Now I remember! I didn't read the tip at all, Allen told it to me! Smart kid, that one is." Lavi went on, oblivious to Kanda's obvious discomfort. "Although I gotta admit, I wouldn't have thought he would've known all about it, right, Yuu? Yuu? Yu-"

Lavi abruptly stopped talking as Kanda whipped his sword at Lavi's face, slicing off a lock of his dark red hair. "Jeez, Kanda, no need to get upset. I was just trying to give you a few beauty tips. After all, your skin _is_ pretty dry, isn't it? Base of the chin to the tips of the ears; it's a good tip to remember, don'cha think?"

Kanda abruptly stopped waving his sword around and stared, slack-jawed, at the other boy. Then he pointed to the door and snarled at Lavi, his face contorting into a mask of rage. "Get. Out."

Lavi backed towards the door, palms up. "Okay, okay, Yuu, no need to get violent. But if you ever need to know anything about hair-care, you can just ask me. I mean, _sure_ your hair is all shiny and pretty, but I know a shampoo that would make it smell just like lotus blossoms! Jiji used to use it all the time before I told him that only women use that kind of shampoo, but hey- I think it would really suit you! And Yuu, you can really put that sword down now, I'm really leaving now, seriously..."

As soon as Lavi was out of the doorway, Kanda slammed the door shut and sank to his knees, exhausted. _Dammit, all he wanted was some time to angst in peace._

* * *

A/N: Okay, so this was crack. Stupid crack. Do I care? No, not really. After all, a good dose of crack never did anyone any harm.

Oh, wait. Maybe it did.


End file.
